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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25977580">Under Without Down</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thalius/pseuds/Thalius'>Thalius</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ezra Bridger Gets a Hug, F/M, Family Bonding, Gen, Master &amp; Padawan Relationship(s), Parental Hera Syndulla, Parental Kanan Jarrus, Post-Episode: s01e09 Gathering Forces, Sleepovers, The Dark Side of the Force</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 10:56:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,027</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25977580</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thalius/pseuds/Thalius</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanan remembered explaining it to Hera once before, about the Force’s depth. To his knowledge, no Force user had ever found its floor, but everyone had a barometric limit they could tolerate—and going past it meant you couldn’t easily break the surface again. </p>
<p>He’d felt Ezra take that same plunge today.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ezra Bridger &amp; Kanan Jarrus, Ezra Bridger &amp; The Ghost Crew, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>239</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Under Without Down</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is an alternate/extended take on the end of 1x09, exploring Ezra's response to interfacing with the dark side of the Force for the first time in far more depth than what we saw in the show.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Kanan’s hand on his shoulder kept him steady as he was shuffled towards the crew lounge. Ezra’s feet dragged, but he couldn’t catch up to himself—he felt like he was suspended a few feet behind his own body, pulled along by some weak tether. Outside of himself, he felt exposed, and very, very cold. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t register what the others said to him as Kanan guided him to the couch—he barely heard what Kanan said. “I’ll be right back,” was what he thought he whispered, and Ezra wanted to protest, because Kanan’s hand was gone and now there was nothing keeping him in place, but he couldn’t find his voice. That was far away, too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hera was in front of him then, frowning in concern. Her hands on his arms didn't centre him like Kanan’s had, but it was still something. “Ezra, what’s wrong?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m cold,” he croaked. His arms were criss-crossed around himself, a movement he didn’t remember making. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hera disappeared from view, coming back a moment later and wrapping a blanket around him. He wanted to tell her that’s not what he meant—his body wasn’t cold, </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> was. He’d plunged too deep into waters he’d misjudged the depth of, and it had frozen him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sweetie, what happened? Are you hurt?” She sat beside him now, an arm around his shoulders. He leaned into her instead of answering, even though Zeb and Sabine and Chopper were right there and could see him. His body might not have been cold, but Hera was still warm. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Kid, look at me.” Kanan was back—shoving the table away from the couch and sitting on the edge so he could face him. Ezra looked up, and saw that Kanan was handing him something. A piece of chocolate?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Eat that,” Kanan told him, and Ezra took it without a word, slotting it into his mouth and letting it melt on his tongue. “I’ll give you some more when you’re done with that one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What happened?” Hera asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kanan looked back at Ezra, like he was considering what to say. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Please not the truth.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “He pushed himself too hard,” he told her then, as if he’d heard the plea.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra accepted a few more pieces of chocolate, chewing mechanically. The flavour was sharp enough to ground him, but still not the way Kanan could. Kanan was solid warmth, his presence like a big heat lamp. A light to swim towards. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You still with us?” Kanan asked, his tone light and joking. Ezra looked up at him, eyes unfocused, watching Kanan through a wobbling sheet of glass. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Or the surface of a vast ocean he hadn’t yet broken through.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I dunno,” his throat and mouth and tongue said, without his input. It wasn’t like the words were wrong.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kanan nodded, like the answer didn’t surprise him. Then he stood up and gathered Ezra into his arms, pressing his face into Kanan’s sweater so that he didn’t need to stare with glassy eyes at everything. The fabric smelled dusty from the base, tangy with dried sweat, but it wasn’t unpleasant. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’ll pass,” Kanan promised him. He was hugging him too tightly, but Ezra didn’t dare pull away. He closed his eyes instead and repeated those words to himself over and over. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It will pass. You will feel warm again.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra realised then that he was crying. His body was now working in concert with his mind, but still without his consent—that grief wasn’t just coming from his lungs. He clung to Kanan, the taste of chocolate in his mouth, and tried as hard as he could to push the lump in his throat back down. He shouldn’t—couldn’t—cry in front of other people. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you guys give us a minute?” Hera said to the room. It made Ezra flush and shake his head. No, he wanted to say. No one had to leave, because he was going to stop crying. He wasn’t a baby; babies died without their parents, which is why he’d never been one. He was better than that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shame filled his chest when he heard everyone silently vacate the crew lounge. Even Zeb didn’t crack any stupid jokes; he just left without saying anything. It meant they all knew he was crying.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra buried his face deeper into Kanan’s chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s just us now,” Hera whispered in assurance, still beside him. She was holding him, too. It only made it that much harder to stop crying, and he realised then that he was too weak to resist whatever tide was wracking him. It wasn’t from the Deep, not from the icy void of the Force. Or at least, not entirely. He’d finally snapped back into his own body, into the present, but now his chest was burning, his throat was on fire. His head pounded from the effort to hold back his tears. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay, kid,” Kanan murmured. He was rocking him gently. “No one else is here. Just let it out. Let go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra had taught himself a long time ago to never cry at anything people said to him. Words couldn’t touch him, no matter how vicious or cruel, and it was something he was proud of. People could call him whatever they wanted, say whatever they wanted to say, and he would just laugh it off—better yet, he could run fast enough that no one could catch him after he </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> laugh. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But he’d never had to brace himself for kindness, and Kanan’s words ripped all of that apart instantly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra balled his fists up in Kanan’s sweater and felt his body shake from crying. It hurt—a </span>
  <em>
    <span>lot.</span>
  </em>
  <span> It was like someone was beating him up from the inside. He heaved as he sobbed, tears forcing themselves up as violently and unpleasantly as vomit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He could hear Hera speaking quietly to Kanan, and he could feel Kanan’s quiet responses by the rumbling in his chest. Their voices were low and soft, familiar and easy. It reminded him of how his parents used to talk when they thought he was asleep, whispering so they didn’t wake him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The thought only made him cry harder.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Kanan wished he could do more for the kid. Ezra was having a tough time of it, crying his heart out like he’d never done it before in his life. If it was half as painful and ugly as it sounded, then Kanan had underestimated exactly how deep Ezra had gone. But he wasn’t a healer, or a Force empath; his command of the Force was blunt and simple. He could only give Ezra a hug and tell him it was alright. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kanan tightened his arms around the kid.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He found Hera watching them. Her expression was pinched with worry, but she gave him a reassuring smile when their eyes met.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The mission went well,” he told her, “aside from—” He nodded down at Ezra. “Imps took the bait. I was able to ground them, too, so they’ll have to wait for a pick-up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I almost feel bad for stranding them there,” Hera said with a smile. “Almost.” A particularly wrenching sob pulled her attention back to Ezra, and she squeezed his shoulder. “Is there anything I can do?” she whispered, looking up and around the crew lounge for something else to comfort him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Kanan murmured. “Just gotta work him through it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Was it—” Hera bit her lip, watching Ezra. She smoothed his hair back from his face, still buried in Kanan’s chest. “Jedi stuff?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He nodded. “It’s a lesson we all learn at some point. Finding the water’s edge always hurts.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He remembered explaining it to Hera before, about the Force’s depth. To his knowledge, no Force user had ever found its floor, but everyone had a barometric limit they could tolerate—and going past it meant you couldn’t break the surface again. He’d felt Ezra take that plunge, and thankfully the kid had shrank away from it quickly enough that it had just spooked him, not pulled him further under.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And chocolate helps?” She grabbed the rest of the bar from the table and pulled the wrapper back to look at it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He laughed. “I don’t know if it </span>
  <em>
    <span>actually</span>
  </em>
  <span> helps, but my own Master always gave me some when stuff like this happened.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra broke away from him with a gasp then, shielding his face with a hand, as if there was still some way to hide the fact that he’d been crying. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It didn’t work. His eyes were rimmed red, his cheeks puffy and nose running. Kanan was beginning to suspect he hadn’t only been crying about today—kids his age didn’t cry that hard, or they shouldn’t, at least. But Ezra had a lot to cry about.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re—you’ve—” He sucked in a breath that sounded painful, hiccuping into his hand. “You’ve done that before?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Draw too far down in the Force?” he asked, and Ezra nodded. “Yeah, I have. And deeper than you did.” It wasn’t a brag—the opposite, if anything. “All Jedi do, at some point. It’s a necessary part of learning where your boundaries are. It was good you figured it out when I was with you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m never doing it again,” Ezra said shakily, but his tone was one of deep conviction. “That—that was awful. It’s like my soul is—cold. Far away. But not my </span>
  <em>
    <span>soul,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> he said, floundering a bit. “You know what I mean. Like—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” Kanan assured him. “It’ll feel less awful the next time you do it, and less again after that. It’s why you have to be careful.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra looked up at him in horror. “I swear I didn’t mean to—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know you didn’t.” He sat down on the edge of the table again, bracing his hands on Ezra’s shoulders. The kid still looked like a mess, and Hera stood up to go find tissues. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How do you know?” Ezra asked him. His throat worked as he tried to push down a few stray sobs, and his breath came out in a stutter. “That it’ll feel better next time?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t say better, I said less worse.” Hera returned, handing Ezra a tissue box. He nodded his thanks at her, and Kanan let him have some space to clean himself up. He grabbed the chocolate bar in the meantime, and broke up a few more pieces, setting them on the table. “Like I said, I’ve done it a few times.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Were you with your Master when it happened?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not always,” he said quietly. He stole a stray piece of chocolate, popping it into his mouth.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra ducked away as he wiped his face, clearly embarrassed they’d seen him cry. From experience, Kanan knew it wasn’t something he could talk the kid out of being ashamed about. Ezra just needed to spend some more time around people he could trust and depend on, and then maybe, eventually, crying wouldn’t feel like such a betrayal.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How do you stop from doing it again?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked back up at the kid. Ezra stuffed the balled up tissues in his pocket, and then slumped back against the couch, like he was exhausted. The blanket had slipped from one of his shoulders, and Hera tugged it up for him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“With focus,” Kanan told him. “And more practice. You train yourself to go under without going down.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra frowned. “That doesn’t make any sense.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It will.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you keep saying.” Ezra fiddled with one end of the blanket, rolling a corner between his fingers. “Maybe I don’t want to be a Jedi.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re doing well,” Hera cut in, and he looked up at her. “You’ve made a lot of progress.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And I’ve already messed up,” Ezra argued, and gestured to himself. “Pretty badly.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a skill like any other,” Kanan said. “You make a lot of mistakes when you start learning something new.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What happens if I make too many?” Ezra’s eyes were fierce. “What if I can’t come back up next time?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You will.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How do you know?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I’ve resurfaced,” Kanan told him, making sure to hold his gaze. “And so will you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra said nothing, letting out another stuttering breath in place of a sob. Hera kept a hand on his arm as he got a handle on himself, but the kid was still pretty rattled. Saying one wrong thing might set him off again, and Kanan was still in the process of learning what made Ezra tick. The thought came to him then, as familiar and endless as drawing breath, that he was thankful for Hera’s presence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When a fresh well of tears filled his eyes, Ezra quickly scrubbed them away, his face twisting up in anger. “Stupid,” he whispered, so quietly he probably wasn’t even aware he said anything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t have to hide from us, Ezra,” Hera murmured, and that made his already puffy face flush further. “It’s okay to cry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, it’s just—” He paused to wipe at his face again, and balled up another tissue in his hand. “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t be sorry. You’ve been through a lot.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Lots of people have,” he muttered. His eyes were cast down towards the blanket, now bunched around his lap. “Like you guys. But you don’t cry about it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hera smiled. “Yes, we do. You just haven’t seen it yet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra looked up at Kanan then, eyes darting across his face, like he was looking for confirmation. Like he didn’t believe Hera.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kanan gave him a lopsided grin. “She’s right. In fact, Hera should videotape my mental breakdowns. They’re pretty funny.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She gave him an exasperated look. “Ezra was not having a mental breakdown,” she said. “He’s upset. Which is normal,” Hera added, looking back to him. She smoothed his hair back again, and Ezra’s chin scrunched up like he was holding back another wave of tears. “Oh, honey, what’s wrong?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I d—don’t—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hera pulled him in this time, and Ezra shook again, pressing his face into her shoulder and sounding like he was trying to breathe around a bayonet. Kanan slid onto the couch on the other side of him, tugging the blanket back up around his back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He met Hera’s eyes overtop the kid’s head. Memories swam in them—of when they’d first picked up Sabine and learned that the girl had been just as starved for a safe place to land and dispense her grief without feeling like she was opening herself up to a mortal blow. It had taken her a good deal longer to open up about it than Ezra, but maybe this meant they were getting better at being a solid rock for the kids.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Closing his eyes, Kanan spread a hand across Ezra’s back. He could not project emotion the way Master Kenobi had always so effortlessly done, but his connection with Ezra was already strengthening. He used that tether to extend his presence out of himself, spanning the bridge between their bodies and lending his own light and warmth to the kid. He hoped it was enough.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At once he came into contact with Ezra’s turmoil. Aside from the cold void that lingered at the edges from Ezra’s earlier plunge, he felt the kid’s own internal strife—grief and loneliness so sharp and distinct it took his breath away. They were things that had once been Kanan’s own constant companion as a boy, but those burdens were so far behind him now that he’d forgotten how suffocating they could be.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not alone now,” Kanan murmured, hand still at Ezra’s back. “You’re safe.”</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>By the time Ezra settled, Hera felt completely drained. She wasn’t sure how long he’d cried, but it culminated in him falling asleep on her shoulder, so exhausted by his own grief that he could do nothing else but slip into unconsciousness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Behind him, Kanan’s eyes were closed too, but he wasn’t sleeping. His brow was furrowed in deep concentration, and only when Ezra’s breathing evened out did he open his eyes. They found hers easily.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s okay,” Kanan whispered, hand still on Ezra’s back. He let out a rush of breath, too powerful to be a sigh, like he’d been holding it in the entire time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hera nodded, looking down at Ezra. “We should move him into bed. He needs to sleep.” Ideally he should shower and change into his pajamas, but she was loathe to wake him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t lift him onto his bunk in Zeb’s room,” Kanan said as he stood up. “I’ll put him in mine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where are you going to sleep?” Hera asked, helping Kanan scoop Ezra up into his arms. He was small for a fourteen year-old, and wiry as all hell, but Kanan still huffed under the weight of him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He shot her a look when he straightened up, brow raised at the question, as if the answer was obvious. She returned the expression. “Inviting yourself into my bed, now?” Hera said dryly. “I remember when you used to work for it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh I’ll work for it,” he assured her, laying his drawl on thick. “Just wait until I shower first.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hera didn’t deign to reply to that. She followed Kanan through the door to the crew hallway, bracing a steadying hand on his back as he maneuvered around with Ezra in his grip. The kid was properly passed out, oblivious to the jostling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She unlocked the door to his cabin and ducked inside behind them, leaving the door open so the hallway light could guide the way. With a grunt, Kanan knelt down by his bed and settled the kid onto the mattress. He pulled off Ezra’s boots and the brace on his leg—they still needed to go see someone about that, she thought—then pulled the covers up over him. The sheets were thin, so Hera ducked out and went back to the crew lounge, grabbing the blanket she’d tossed around him earlier and returning to the cabin with it. Kanan settled that over him, too, but he didn’t move to stand up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hera touched the back of his neck, making him look at her. “Everything alright?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think I’ll… stay with him for a bit,” he murmured. “He’s still restless.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He doesn’t look restless to me,” Hera replied, glancing at Ezra. Aside from the rise and fall of his chest, he barely moved at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mentally, I mean. I don’t want him to have nightmares.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that common?” she asked. “After a mistake like that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The look in his eyes grew far away. “Yeah.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She smiled, and brushed her fingers at his cheek to bring him back to the present. “Go clean up first. I’ll stay with him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With a nod he stood up. Hera sat down on the edge of the bed and watched Kanan remove the armour encasing his right arm and unbuckle the holster from his belt, hanging all of it up on the hooks by his door. Then he retrieved his towel, and with a parting smile shot in her direction, he left for the refresher.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hera looked back down at Ezra. Closer now, she could see the slight furrow in his brow, and felt the twitch of his hands by his sides. She wasn’t bonded to him through the Force like Kanan was, but it was clear to her that he was still troubled. It was impossible to tell how much of it was from his training and how much of it was from that fact that he was an orphaned fourteen year-old boy living under the thumb of the Empire, but she knew it was at least a little bit of both.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Closing her eyes for a moment, she pressed a hand to his chest. “You’re okay,” she whispered, to herself and to him.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Fifteen minutes later, Kanan had sloughed the day off of himself and walked back into his cabin, shivering at the cool air in the hallway. He found Hera still on the edge of the bed, a hand carefully laid on Ezra’s chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There, see?” she whispered to Ezra, and glanced up at Kanan with a small smile. “He’s right there.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Kanan?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The kid’s voice was raspy, raw from crying and from sleep. He’d felt Ezra’s spike of panic upon waking up while he’d still been in the shower, but it had quickly quieted down, no doubt because of Hera.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kanan palmed the door closed and then moved to turn on his bedside lamp. “I’m here, bud,” he murmured, and saw Ezra squint up at him. “Just gotta put some clothes on.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Like right here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> my room,” Kanan replied, heading to his dresser. “You can turn around if you like.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra eyed him cautiously, no doubt curious about the various scars and tattoos webbing across Kanan’s upper body, but eventually he turned on his side and faced the wall. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was telling Ezra about the movie nights we have in the lounge,” Hera said quietly as Kanan hung up his towel and pulled on a pair of boxer briefs. “Thought maybe we could have one tonight.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kanan raised a brow. “Don’t let Sabine pick the movie. She loves horror films.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I like horror,” Ezra protested, still facing the wall. “I’m not a baby. I can handle it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Kid, you don’t have to posture around me,” he assured him, balancing on one leg at a time to roll on his socks. “I know how shitty you feel. Horror movies are a crap idea right now.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra didn’t answer that. He felt Hera’s eyes on him as he pulled on pajama pants, and looked over at her with a grin. “Admiring the view?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A little,” she conceded. Ezra pulled the covers over his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t be gross,” he muffled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hera patted his shoulder but didn’t look away. “I’m mostly still jealous you can pull shirts over your head,” she said, watching Kanan shove into a t-shirt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, I don’t know,” he replied, running a hand through his damp hair. “I like watching you zip up into your suit.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra burrowed deeper into the blanket, making Hera laugh. Kanan walked over and knelt by the bed, poking Ezra in the side. “You can turn around now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A head of dark hair re-emerged from underneath the blankets, and two fierce blue eyes were levelled Kanan’s way. “You guys done?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For now,” he replied. “How are you feeling?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra’s shoulder rose and fell in a shrug. “I don’t know. Tired. Better, I guess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn’t crying anymore, at least. Kanan took that as progress. “You wanna watch a movie tonight?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra brightened at the suggestion, but quickly tamped it down, like he was preparing to be disappointed. “Maybe,” he reasoned. “But the others will know we’re doing it because of me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ezra—” Hera didn't sigh, but she did shake her head. “There’s nothing wrong with that. Zeb and Sabine care about you. So does Chopper.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, but—” He shifted on the bed, restless now. “I don’t want anyone to make a big deal about it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re the only one doing that so far,” Kanan pointed out. “But I can tell them to play it cool, if that makes you feel better.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It doesn’t!” Ezra sat up suddenly, hair sticking out at weird angles from lying on the pillow, and curled up near the head of the bed. “They’ll just think I’m too weak and immature to talk about it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kanan exchanged a look with Hera, then let out a sigh. “Kid, you’re living in a small ship with five other people. You’re even bunking with one of them. They’re gonna see you cry sometimes, just like they’re gonna see you when you’re sick, or when you’re in a bad mood. Hera caught me naked the second day I started crewing with her.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Third, technically,” Hera corrected him, but her mouth twitched. When she looked back at Ezra, her expression sobered. “Ezra, you’re a part of this crew now. You haven’t been with us long enough to see anyone else become upset or have a bad day, but you will. All of us do. And we’re here for each other when that happens. I know you’re not used to that, but it’s a good thing. Trust me,” she added, placing a hand on his curled up knee. “Okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” he echoed, not sounding at all convinced.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kanan watched him ball himself up tight at the top of the mattress. He looked like he regretted pulling away, but he was doubling down on the decision now. It wouldn’t do him any good to let him sink down into himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So,” Kanan hummed, forcing Ezra’s attention back to him. “What movie do you want to watch? Sabine can find pretty much anything you can think of on the HoloNet.”</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>The crew lounge surprisingly had enough floor space for everyone’s mattresses, as well as a bunch of blankets and pillows. It also didn’t didn’t have room for much else, including space to walk around in. Hera had requested that everyone take off their shoes, and now Ezra sat curled up on the edge of his own mattress, picking at a hole that had begun to form in one of his socks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you guys do this a lot?” he asked, watching Sabine pass Hera several bowls of snacks, which she set out at the foot of their long spread of mattresses.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not to this extent, no,” Hera said, and then snapped her fingers at Kanan to get his attention. “Grab me a beer, love, please.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Aye-aye, Captain.” He somehow managed to longstep over Ezra’s cot towards the galley door, and Ezra tugged on his pants on the way. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you get me one too?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No way. I’ll grab you juice.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Juice is for babies!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Youngest is the resident baby,” Sabine explained, still in the galley doorway. Kanan sidled around her. “Thanks for bumping me up, kid.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They both disappeared behind the door. He huffed and looked back into the lounge. Chopper was chittering in amusement in the corner while he fiddled with the holo projector, and Zeb was combing through one of the bowls to pick out the tree nuts from whatever mix Sabine had put in it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tracking Hera’s flittering movements about the room, making sure everyone was set up with snacks, he tried again. “So… how often do you do this?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sometimes,” she began with a grunt, pushing a bench against the far wall to give them a bit more walking space around the galley door, then moving on to some supply crates lying around, pushing them to the head of their mattresses in a neat row. “The Empire runs heat scanners in high-traffic smuggling systems to get around signature-masking. When we have to run routes through those systems, I kill all the power to the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ghost</span>
  </em>
  <span> and vent some of the rooms to bleed off heat. In order to not freeze to death, we all sleep in the crew lounge. It’s the centre of the ship, so the temperature in here doesn’t usually leak through the hull.” She straightened up and turned to face him. “And since it’s boring to just sit around, we usually watch a movie or something.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Play cards sometimes, too,” Zeb chimed in, still fishing around for nuts in the bowl. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The galley door opened up again, admitting Kanan and Sabine. Arms full of drinks and snacks respectively, they distributed them amongst the crew before sitting down on their own bunks. Ezra accepted his juice with a frown, and then gave Kanan a weird look when he had a glass of his own.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re drinking juice?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” he replied slowly, holding out a hand for Hera as she tiptoed to her mattress beside his.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Aren’t you an adult?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s what I usually tell people.” He took a sip and set it down beside one of the snack bowls, then looked at Ezra. “You’re welcome.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks.” He frowned, watching Hera uncork her beer. Zeb had one, too. Sabine nursed some fizzy drink in the corner. “Are Jedi not allowed to drink alcohol?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not forbidden,” Kanan replied, grabbing a pillow and settling back against one of the crates Hera had lined up behind their mattresses. Ezra was starting to really hate all these cryptic and evasive answers. “There’s no Order around to enforce it even if it was.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then why not?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re just cranky you got juice,” Sabine shot back, looking around Zeb’s shoulder to scold him. “Drink up, baby-boy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just never seen a grown adult choose to drink juice before,” he muttered, and took a sip from his glass. It tasted good, at least.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Spec Prime Ultra 2?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Zeb read off the holo projector, which Chopper had finally turned on. It washed the room in a cool blue. “That’s the movie we’re watching?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ezra picked it,” Sabine said with a shrug.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What if I haven’t watched the first one?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They do a recap at the beginning,” Ezra assured him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Zeb frowned at him. “You picked a movie you’ve seen before?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not all the way through,” Ezra said defensively. “I snuck into the theatre to watch it when it first came out, but I got kicked out after like twenty minutes. Some lady snitched on me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I hope it’s not plot heavy,” Kanan murmured. “Hera talks a lot during movies.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She gave him an indignant look. “So does Zeb!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Only when they’re stupid,” Zeb protested. Then he shot a grin at Ezra. “So prepare to hear me talk a lot.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a really smart movie actually,” Ezra told him, settling back against his own crate and sipping his juice some more. “It’ll probably go over your head, though.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A movie about droids fighting?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They aren’t droids—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And how come you know it’s so smart if you haven’t seen it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I’m not a—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s starting,” Kanan interrupted, and loudly enough that everyone stopped talking.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Chopper wheeled over to Ezra’s side of the mattress pile and hunkered down at the foot of it, next to his snack bowl. Not trusting the astromech to keep his grabbers to himself, Ezra pulled the bowl up into his lap and kept his juice on the floor beside him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d seen the opening action sequence a bunch of times on the HoloNet, so Ezra looked across the room at everyone. Kanan was beside him, legs splayed out and an arm around Hera. She was on his other side, her head resting on his shoulder and her beer balanced on one of her legs. Zeb was beside her, sat at the foot of his mattress to pick at the snack bowl and stare up at the screen with probably-feigned disinterest. Sabine was at the other end, right by the couch, which she leaned against instead of a crate. Everyone had changed into their usual sleep clothes, and all of them looked at ease, like they’d done this a million times before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra looked back down at himself, at his juice and snacks and his own set of pajamas that Kanan had given him the money to buy. He knew this was what normal looked like for a lot of people—people with families and homes they saw every day—but he couldn’t have felt more strange. Not bad, he decided, but definitely not in-place.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kanan smacked his arm, and he jerked up to look at him. “You’re not even watching,” he whispered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry.” He repositioned himself, sitting up and crossing his legs, and then stared up at the screen. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Spec Prime Ultra: Beginning</span>
  </em>
  <span> was being recapped now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that the bad guy?” Hera asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mevanam, yeah. He was in the first movie,” Ezra told her. “But he died at the end, so he’s not in this one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Which they’re explaining right now,” Sabine chimed in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hera frowned. “They just said he was alive.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“His son is. They have the same name, though, so it’s confusing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really smart decision,” Zeb muttered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra picked out a piece of popcorn and flicked it at him, using the Force to propel it into the side of his head. Zeb snarled at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra reached for another piece of popcorn before Kanan grabbed his wrist, levelling a glare his way. “You start a food fight, you clean it up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Pursing his lips as he considered that proposal, he decided to back off. “You’re safe for now,” he said to Zeb.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m trembling in my boots.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kanan and Sabine shushed them in unison. Ezra listened to them, but only because the movie was finally getting past the title cards. Grabbing a handful of popcorn from the snack bowl in his lap, he stuffed his face and watched the holo with rapt attention.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Kanan made note of the fact that they’d have to reconfigure the order of their mattresses the next time they did this. Normally, Zeb kept to himself, and Sabine was the one who received the brunt of the scolding that went on in the ship. But he had found a partner in crime in Ezra, along with what was apparently a new favourite movie of his. And while Kanan disliked being stuck between them when they were bickering, he decided it was even worse when they’d found a common cause to yell with each other about.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you see that!” Ezra was standing on his mattress now, snack bowl tucked beneath an arm, bouncing on his toes. “I heard they spent like their entire budget on this one scene of the</span>
  <em>
    <span>—dude!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Zeb wasn’t standing; he was lying on his stomach, head at the foot of his mattress and staring up at the holo, eyes wide. On screen, massive droids were fighting in the shallow oceans of Pacer Prime IV, a planet Kanan suspected was not real. Hera had been quiet for most of the film, probably because there were no plot questions to clarify. It had been almost two hours of fights, with only the briefest cutaways for expository dialogue to string them all together. But it looked cool, and Kanan was more than happy with those standards for what constituted good late night entertainment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The most important thing was that Ezra was having a good time. He was a bit too keyed up for how late it was, but he seemed to have entirely forgotten what had happened on Anaxes. His eyes were wide as he stared at the screen, still bouncing on his feet. Judging by his empty glass of juice, he probably needed to go to the bathroom, but he was too absorbed in the movie to ask them to pause it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hera shifted beside him, trying to get comfortable, and he looked down at her. She looked like she was struggling to keep her eyes open.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He gently tugged on the edge of her head cap. “Still awake in there?” he whispered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mm. Barely.” She snuggled closer into his side, and he pulled up the blankets around them both. Sleeping all in the same room guaranteed they wouldn’t be doing anything more racy than cuddling, but the crew lounge was much cooler than Hera’s cabin, and she was especially snuggly during cold nights.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Movie’s almost over—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Shh!”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Zeb insisted furiously beside them. “I wanna hear.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kanan rolled his eyes, and retrieved Hera’s beer from the loose grip in her lap before she spilled it on herself, reaching up to stand it on the crate behind them. Her hand now free, she tucked it under the hem of his t-shirt beneath the blanket, searching for warmth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes! Yes! Fuck yes!” Snack bowl back on the ground, Ezra was punching the air, mimicking the steel-rending jabs and hooks both the droids were landing on each other. Hera wasn’t lucid enough to chide him on his language, and Kanan let it slide. The kid was having fun. “Annihilate him!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Zeb joined the chorus as the bad droid—the green one, Kanan remembered—had its head knocked off and crashed into the sea below it, falling at the feet of the hero.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The movie ended pretty quickly after that. Kanan settled deeper into their nest of pillows as he felt Hera drift asleep on his shoulder. His arm was starting to go numb, but he let her be for now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” Ezra said as the credits began to roll, finally going still. “Okay okay okay. Everything makes so much more sense now. The director released this big codex for the movie that explains everything, right, which I’ve read but I never saw the movie all the way through, so it didn’t make sense until now. Zeb you </span>
  <em>
    <span>have</span>
  </em>
  <span> to read it, and then we’re gonna watch the movie again. It’s like a whole other film when you realise what’s going on—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But not tonight,” Sabine interrupted, yawning. “It’s so late.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But it was cool right! Right?” He gestured at Zeb. “Tell her it was cool.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> cool,” Zeb conceded, and Sabine rolled her eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, it was cool,” she hummed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Kanan?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked up, and found the kid’s hopeful, expectant gaze. “It was very cool,” he assured Ezra, who began to bounce again at his approval.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes! I knew you guys would like the movie. And I don’t wanna brag—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes you do,” Sabine said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“—but I took some pointers from their fight, and I’m gonna use them on our next job. If a fight breaks out,” he added, seeing Kanan’s raised brow. “I won’t, like, start a fight. Unless someone is trying to kill us or something. Which usually happens.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How about you try them on me first and see how it goes. Not now!” He flinched at the kid’s sudden cocked fist, jolting Hera awake beside him. She grumbled at the disturbance.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ezra grinned. “I wasn’t gonna. Just wanted to be sure you were ready.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m always ready. Now you and Zeb can clean up the dishes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why us?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because you didn’t help set any of this up,” Sabine reminded him, her voice muffled. She was already curled up on her end of the bed, head hidden beneath her pile of blankets. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With only a small amount of further grumbling, they retrieved snack bowls and empty glasses and bottles from the floor and carried them off to the galley, speaking furtively about the details of the movie as they did so. Apparently all it took for them to resolve their differences was watching a two-hour movie about robots beating the shit out of each other.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kanan freed his trapped arm and let Hera sit up, rolling her neck. “Ugh,” she groaned, flexing her shoulders. “I already feel too old to sit like this.” She rubbed at her eyes and looked around for Ezra, then frowned when she couldn’t find him. “Did he like the movie?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Loved it. We’re probably gonna watch it again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s good. That he liked it, I mean.” She crawled to the end of the mattress and reached out for Chopper, who wheeled over to her with a sleepy chitter. She opened his access panel and then stood up, tugging him gently over to the charge port in the corner. While she readied him to power down for the night, Kanan got their bedding sorted out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In short order, everyone was back on their mattresses, settling in for sleep. Judging by how quickly Zeb and Ezra had cleared away the mess in the crew lounge, they probably hadn’t washed any of the dishes, but that could wait for the morning. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He listened to Ezra get comfortable beside him. Sabine was already fast asleep, and Zeb seemed to have the enviable talent of choosing when to fall unconscious at will. Hera had been dozing for the past twenty minutes, and quickly surrendered to her own exhaustion beside him, tucked snuggly into Kanan’s side.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Which meant that it was just him and Ezra still awake. In the dark, he reached over and nudged the kid’s arm. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s up?” Ezra whispered, letting out a deep breath as he got comfortable lying on his back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You had fun?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Loads.” He could hear the kid’s smile in his voice. “Thanks. This was awesome. Always wanted to have a sleepover.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He heard Ezra hold in his breath then, like he was about to speak again. The air hung still between them. “And um,” he said, much more quietly this time. “About earlier. You and Hera….” Another pause, another breath held in for a moment too long. “I dunno what I want to say, really. Thanks for—for helping me. I know I was acting weird and everything, but you guys are—you’re really cool. So is all this.” The air moved when Ezra waved his hand, gesturing about the room. “I’ve never done anything like it before.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kanan met his eyes from across their pillows, though the room was still too dark to actually see them. “I know what it’s like,” he whispered back, just as quietly. “Being on your own at your age. It really sucks.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Ezra breathed. “Yeah, it does.” He cleared his throat, like there was something caught in it. “You were on your own? After… um, after the war?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a long story,” Kanan murmured. “But for a while, yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not trying to be nosy, it’s just… it’s cool to hear that. Not that that happened, but—you seem to know what you’re doing, and everything, so it’s um, it’s a relief, I guess is what I’m trying to say. I mean a relief that—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I get you,” Kanan interrupted mercifully, and Ezra happily fell silent. “You’re okay now?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think so. I don’t feel cold anymore.” Ezra shifted on his mattress, adjusting his blanket. “And I’ve been thinking about what you said earlier.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Which part?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Going under without going down,” he murmured. “I think I know what you mean now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good.” Kanan paused, trying to think of how to say what else he wanted to say. “You’re a fast learner, kid. Faster than I ever was. This shit isn’t easy. You should be proud of yourself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I will be,” Ezra said earnestly, like it was a promise. “Goodnight, Kanan.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Night, Ezra. Sweet dreams.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>